Life | Work

I’ve Been Away … But Now I’m Back!

By on April 30, 2018
I'm Back

I’m Back after a small hiatus – and a few folks have asked me why I haven’t been musing as much as normal.

So, where have I been!?

The answer is nowhere at all, but life has been happening and it has been happening in spades.  I’ve had so much going on I just haven’t had the headspace to deal with it all so blogging has taken a bit of a back seat.

Today was the last day in a job that I have had for the past 8-9 years. For me, the last year has been a difficult one for a multitude of reasons but for the majority of the time I have spent there, it has been wonderful.  It’s one of those mixed feeling things because my colleagues are actually second to none and I am going to miss seeing them as often as I do now, although they will undoubtedly be getting invites to parties at mine.

So what next?

Well, I am now officially self-employed.  (You can check out my website here although it is not completely finished as yet) and I am also open to offers.   That said the next couple of months will be spent traveling around and generally being a kept woman.  This has never happened before and I’m not sure how I feel about it but I am grateful for the fact that I have a wonderful man in my life who will give me the back up I need while I try to consolidate my business.  I honestly could not have even considered resigning without the support of my husband.   He is my lover, my best friend, my cheerleader, my facilitator and an absolute rock.

So I am going to have to knuckle down to all of that business building stuff and keep plodding on with the studies for my BSc.  The next few weeks, however, are going to be spent trying to regroup psychologically after what has been, for me, a bit of a stressful time.

So, I’m back, and will soon be as opinionated and sarky as ever…..




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Life | Social Media

Drama Queens & Tricoteuses

By on March 9, 2018
Drama Queens

Drama QueenThe Drama Queen

Let’s be honest, we’ve all been there and done the whole Drama Queen thing.  We all have events happen in life that we don’t like or we can’t control and we all have a need to vent.  We want the world to know!  We want tea and sympathy!  And people to agree with us!

In real life, this is usually self-limiting in terms of both behaviour and reward.  We tell our nearest and dearest, they say ‘there-there’, make tea and serve it with cake and platitudes.  We feel better, we move on.  On social media, however, the role can become rather more problematic both for the Queen and the others around them.

On social media, there are vast numbers of people we can reach out to and although we call them ‘friends’, in reality for most of us they are little more than acquaintances at best, strangers at worst.  By posting on social media we get a huge reward for our dramatic behaviour in terms of quantity – and also sometimes – quality of response.

Sadly, if we already have attention seeking issues and we allow the  Drama Queen to become our default go-to persona every time we go online we can spend our whole life in a state of heightened angst which is perpetuated and encouraged by our so-called ‘friends’.

The other side of this is, of course, the age-old Boy Who Cried Wolf – if our every other post is some catastrophe, offence, or suicide threat, on that one day when we actually need someone everyone is going to roll their eyes and think, ‘more of the same’.

When we are in full Drama Queen mode we are in desperate need of attention; we want people to notice our plight, empathise and be on our side.  At this stage, we are particularly vulnerable to the Tricoteuse.

The Tricoteuse

This person thrives on drama – especially other people’s.  They will be more than happy to give the Drama Queen every ounce of attention he or she may feel they are lacking and keep on coming back for more.  They are often happy to take the moral high ground on just about anything and tell us how right we are and how awful the other person/people is/are.    Sadly, however, they

Les Tricoteuses – women who knitted at the guillotine whilst heads rolled

really need some drama in their own life so they will not exactly be giving us the chance to move on.  Instead, expect all sorts of moral indignation and bosom shelving.  They are also more than happy to exacerbate the situation by making ‘helpful’ suggestions of what one should do next, or how they would do this that or the other ‘if that happened to me’.  Of course, they would do no such thing but are quite happy to watch others do so.

Often this may stop short of actually encouraging someone to engage in criminal activity, although I have seen people suggest that someone smashes up a house as an act of revenge, or trash someone’s car.  Whilst revenge may be fun to fantasise over and it might make one feel better in the short term it can also end up in all sorts of trouble that will make the original issue pale by comparison.

Of course, at this stage, the Tricoteuse who is always on our side, will be conspicuous by their absence having moved on to the next, much safer, drama.

Naming and Shaming is one of the key phrases of a Tricoteuse.  Again, we’ve probably all been there, I know I have told people to do this in the past and I do believe that there are circumstances where this could be appropriate (bullying springs to mind).  However, if this is just an act of revenge on our part we should maybe consider how that makes us look, what benefit anyone will gain, will it end up with a visit from the police, and ultimately are we just being guilty of bullying and harassment online?  Remember also that however bad we think someone’s actions are, people have actually killed themselves as a result of being publicly shamed.

This is a strange relationship – the Tricoteuse is not being supportive for altruistic reasons or because they are our friend. He or she is not encouraging us to help us although they might actually believe this to be the case.  In reality, they feel important and involved in something because guess what?  Either they have an empty life or they crave attention almost as much as the Drama Queen.  On top of this for some people, there is an element of schadenfreude:  They are actually getting off on watching you explode.  If they can spread the anger, hate and angst further afield they will and if they can big themselves up in the process and make themselves look good, all the better.  If you believe in vampires, look no further than the habitual tricoteuse.  They will literally feed off your anger and upset until you are sucked dry.


A friend, online or in real life, may well comment on our drama.  They may well empathise and say how awful something is.  In fact, they may do all of the things we will see in The Tricoteuse.  The difference is that a real friend will not encourage us to break the law or continue to wind us up in order to perpetuate a situation. Often they are attacked by the Tricoteuse for not being supportive enough or perhaps suggesting that they are ‘taking sides’ against us.   A real friend, or even actually a half decent human being, will try their best to calm the waters, and will not offer advice that will land other people in the poop.


And finally, if our lives are always filled with unpleasant dramas we should consider that maybe we are the ones bringing it to the table.




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Glastonbury | Life | New Age

Reiki (The Woo Chronicles)

By on March 2, 2018

I trained in Reiki and I still think it’s woo.

Reiki – It won’t heal you. But it might make you feel better.

Like so many things that claim to have an ancient and noble past, Reiki is actually fairly modern, having been invented by Mikau Usui in 1922.  I trained as a practitioner of Reiki circa 2001 and was told a pretty way-out story about how he discovered Reiki through a strange mystical experience.  I did ask at the time if this involved mushrooms. It didn’t go down well. Whether this story was indeed the case, or merely the teacher’s own interpretation of the events, remains unclear.

The central beliefs of Reiki are as follows:

  • There is a universal, never-ending energy that can be channelled for healing.
  • Anyone can access this energy providing they are ‘attuned’ by a Reiki Master.
  • Energy flows through the hands when the practitioner places them on or near the patient.
  • Energy is intelligent, diagnosis is not required, energy automatically diagnoses, treats and heals the patient.

There are 3 levels of Reiki.  Each requires a different level of attunement.  You can expect to pay hundreds of pounds in order to become a Level 3 (Master) Practitioner.

  • Level 1 – learn 12 hand positions on the body through which you can channel the Reiki energy.  You are just a conduit for the energy.  If your hands feel hot – it’s working.
  • Level 2 – you learn the special ‘secret’ Reiki symbols, distance healing and healing by “listening to your inner voice”.
  • Level 3 – Reiki Master.  Usually over a year to learn.  You learn to embody Reiki Energy and attune and teach others.

I have particular issues with the claims of distance healing:

Some Reiki practitioners also claim that their practice can be carried out from a distance, thus obviating any contact save you sending the nice man or lady your credit card number while he or she heals you from across an ocean.


Reiki is not based on any form of rational science – it is the epitome of woo – all clinical research has shown that it probably won’t do you any harm, which is probably its only saving grace.  It is not an effective treatment for any medical condition at all.  All of the evidence for Reiki is anecdotal, there is no objective scientific evidence that Reiki actually works, or is any better than just getting a good old-fashioned massage. It is extremely relaxing and in that way, at least, Reiki can and does make people feel better.

Overpriced & Unregulated

Reiki hand positionsI achieved Reiki II in 2 weekends. If I’d been willing to give up a year of weekends and pay out a lot of money, I could have become a Reiki Master myself, set up courses, a therapy centre and start charging for treatments.

I later discovered that the symbols and hand positions were ‘secret’ so people could charge a lot of money for sharing them.  Of course, had I been a tad savvier I would have saved all of that hard earned cash and just learnt the hand positions and symbols online, printed off a load of certificates, made up a lineage and called myself a Reiki Master.

Unethical? Yes. Illegal? Nope.

Currently in the UK we have voluntary self regulation for complementary therapies i.e. it is not compulsory. It is the person doing the Reiki who is regulated, not the Reiki itself, i.e. it is how they work and their interaction with the public.

The UK Reiki Federation

I’m not sure what credentials they have to actually regulate anyone but you can, of course, join (for a fee):

We are an independent federation of individuals who have been attuned to Reiki, with the objective of providing support and guidance to Reiki Professionals and to the public, with particular reference to education and training, and the public practice of Reiki.  (UK Reiki Federation)

This is obviously a group of people who care deeply about what they do and want to make this safe for everyone, especially the public.  They work closely with another organisation – The Complementary and Natural Healthcare Council (CNHC).

We were set up by the government to protect the public. We do this by providing a UK register of complementary health practitioners. Protection of the public is our sole purpose.

We set the standards that practitioners need to meet to get onto and then stay on the register. All CNHC registrants have agreed to be bound by the highest standards of conduct and have registered voluntarily. All of them are professionally trained and fully insured to practice.


The key wording here is, ‘registered voluntarily‘. That said, the  CNHC at least tries to provide a standard and a way of checking up on various practitioners, but this is a voluntary process. If someone chooses not to register, they can still practice Reiki if they want to.  Also, it is not clear what powers the CNHC have if you don’t meet their standards- they can throw you out I guess, but they have no legal right to stop you plying your trade.

Both groups essentially seem to be made up of good people who believe in this stuff and want to stop people from preying on the vulnerable.

I’ve known several Reiki practitioners who pride themselves on giving good quality, low-cost sessions to people without making outlandish claims so I know these people do exist.  Often these are people who have a deep-seated sense of service to the community. Sadly there are always the bad apples and some people are being charged – sometimes a lot of money – based on claims that something will ‘heal’ them when it won’t and this is, by definition,  preying on the vulnerable.  Far better to just say that it won’t heal you but an hour of blissful relaxation and having the complete focus of another person might do you the world of good.

It is worthwhile noting that the Advertising Standards Authority (in the UK) will give you a damn good slapped bottom if you make any kind of medical claims for Reiki, and rightly so.  However you might choose to market it, scientific it ain’t and at present, it remains yet another example of pseudoscience; basing an entire industry on the healing powers of a Universal Life Force which cannot be shown by any empirical means to actually exist.

It’s just my opinion!  Read my disclaimer!

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Life | Relationships

Life – It’s Short

By on February 24, 2018
life is short

Life is short, fragile and is balanced on a knife-edge.

Life is short, it is fragile and fleeting.  Nothing brought this home to me more than the death of a friend last week.  She was not an old woman.  I had seen her 2 weeks prior to her death where a group of us enjoyed a slap up meal in the local Indian Restaurant and had a really good time, then suddenly she just…stopped.

We all say it constantly, ‘life is short’, but never seem to do anything about it.  Sometimes you really do need a kick up the proverbial to really ram home the truth of the matter: On average our lifespans may be on the rise but that is no guarantee that you personally are going to live to a ripe old age.  You need to live right now.

How often do we go through one of these awful situations and then go back into our ruts and the drudge of day to day life?  Stay stuck in a job that doesn’t value you, where you are treated badly?  Or in a relationship about which you could easily say the same?  We stay on our rails and follow the same old sequence of events because, why?  Maybe fear of change but also because it is easy.  You might be bored rigid but hey, it is easier to just stay in a job you can do with your eyes shut than it is to make the effort to find and learn a new role.  You might feel undervalued or even abused by a partner on multiple levels, but change is scary, and it is often so hard to get the help you need, you stay put, the years drift by and so it goes on.

How many of us try and try for a partner who shows us no appreciation or value?  How many of us knock ourselves out for a job where you know full well your employer would replace you within 24 hours if you dropped dead tomorrow?  Is it really worth it?  We all need money to live and we need to work to get the money – but we need to start working to live instead of the other way around and focus on our personal relationships with others – the ones that make us happy!

At the beginning of this year, I promised myself that 2018 would be the year when I would work less, travel more and spend really high-quality time with those closest to me and who I care about deeply.  I planned to remove as many negatives as I can…so far I have pretty much failed.  My friend passing really has given me a kick up the arse – and I am going to make changes.

People who know me ‘in real life’ will be aware that I never sugar-coat the dead; we are all just people, good and bad, and this doesn’t change when we pass, but this woman really was exceptional and when I say she was one of the nicest and most genuine people I have been fortunate enough to meet, I actually mean that.  We knew each other I guess for just over a decade, we were never exceptionally close but she is going to leave a huge gap in our little group, in my life and the world will be poorer without her in it.

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The End of the Affair – Memes

By on February 19, 2018

Memes – why I am just so out of love with them

Memes are the killer of rational thought

I used to love a good meme – they used to make me happy and be full of nice things like kittens doing cute stuff, people being inspirational or just plain funny.  Now memes are full of anger, used to stir up hate and wind people up.

The internet is amazing, it gives us the ability to research all sort of wonderful facts, why then do so many people spend so much time posting up a shed load of absolute bollocks and try to pass it off as fact?

Seems legit

No, the EU is not giving all our money away to people in other countries, no Muslims are not training hamsters to go on suicide missions at the local PetsAtHome.  Seriously, no matter how much you hate the EU, fear Muslims, or hate hamsters, just because someone creates a fancy pants meme that happens to fit into your worldview doesn’t make it true.

Most of the really idiotic memes involve racism, sexism or people whining about what they think other people are getting and they aren’t.  Although just 3 clicks away are the actual facts of the matter for some reason people prefer to believe the worst about just about everyone else on the planet that isn’t them.

Welfare has its share of memes – people banging on about the millions of pounds asylum seekers or illegal immigrants receive in buddha memebenefits, whilst pensioners/army vets or whatever get bugger all.  This did the rounds so many times that the Government even produced a paper refuting this.  If the welfare lifestyle is so fabulous and people are that jealous how come they haven’t quit their job? Because fundamentally they are not stupid and know this is not true.  All they had to do to avoid feeling hours of angry bitterness was count to 10 and then click on hoax slayer or UK Gov and find out.  But no, let’s go off half-cocked and wind everyone (including themselves) up.

Muslims –  Anything really from ‘banning Christmas’, ‘banning easter eggs’, to forcing us to eat Halal food.  All of these are untrue and again a quick internet search could clear that right up before anyone gets all hot under the collar and then shares that feeling to everyone they know online.

Pseudo-Science ‘Woo’ – Memes involving cures for cancer, onions in shoes, various bogus ‘remedies’ (which are almost always promoted by someone with a vested financial interest) circulate almost constantly.  From the anti-vax stuff right up to and including ways to resuscitate yourself by coughing, sniffing a sweaty sock and standing on the roof singing Nearer my God to Thee.  I mean if someone wants to give themselves whipped cream enemas as a preventative treatment for erectile dysfunction who am I to stand in their way?  It won’t work but it gives us all a laugh.  However, some of this stuff is pretty dangerous and could cost someone their life.

So, the meme has lost my affection.  For now at least, until I see the next one with a puppy in it!






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The Mammogram – A Menopausal Delight

By on February 16, 2018
mammogram breast cancer ribbon

Mammogram – what should I expect?

Why should I have one?

A mammogram is one of the central pillars of breast cancer detection and alongside regular self-examination can detect breast cancer really early giving one the best chance of a cure.  In fact, the Mammogram breast examinationmammograms they do now can detect early signs of cancer even before you can see or feel any change in the breast itself.

If you live in the UK and you hit 50 you will get invited for a regular NHS mammogram every 3 years.  The mammogram is not compulsory but as an ex-nurse and someone who believes in medicine and the scientific research that underpins it, I would urge you to seriously consider having one when you are offered it. I know there are a lot of bogus health websites out there so I would urge you to check out something that is actually based on real science as opposed to ‘woo‘.  I mean please feel free to place an onion marinated in cannabis oil in your shoe or wave a bit of rose quartz around but do it while you have a proper check up.  Have a look here at this super helpful page by the lovely folks at Cancer Research.

What to expect

I received my letter bearing the joyous news that my Valentine’s Day gift from the NHS was getting the chance to once again place my tits inside a cold x-ray machine which works in a way similar to a workbench vice.  I’m probably not selling this am I?  Bear with me.

So, Valentine’s morn I kiss my spouse goodbye and head to the mobile Breast Screening Unit which looks like the rear end of an articulated lorry and is conveniently parked in the car park at Morrisons so you can go shopping and buy yourself a nice cake or something as a treat for being brave in the unit.  I digress, having been distracted by thoughts of cake.

On arrival I was greeted by a radiologist who took me into a tiny office, confirmed my details and asked a few brief questions; had I noticed any problems and that sort of thing.  After this you get put into a small cubicle where you take your top clothing off (so make sure you wear a top and skirt or trousers rather than a dress!) and your bra and then replace one top to keep you covered.  After a very brief wait, you are then called to the x-ray room where the fun stuff happens.

After you’ve removed your top the radiologist basically positions each breast in turn onto the machine.  The first film is a top to bottom view so the breast is flatted from the top down – a bit like a sandwich toaster.  After this they do the same thing but from side to side.  The whole thing took about 10 minutes and the machine itself is automatic so once she has it in place and ready to go all she has to do is press a button.  The machine whirrs, moves up and down the breast and then releases.

I am not going to say it is the most pleasant thing and the sideways view is a bit mean, but it literally lasts less than 20 seconds.  The NHS mammogram is free at the point of delivery and it does save lives!  You will receive the result within 2 weeks.

What I am saying is – go!  There really is nothing to worry about!


Video:  What it is like to have a mammogram by UK Cancer Research 




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Let’s Stand Together On This One

By on February 5, 2018
Stand together

Trans Women should have the support of Feminists

I’ve heard some pretty sad things this week.

I watched this video on   BBC news, and it has been driving me mental for days.

Stand togetherNow I am in no way an expert on ‘gender issues’ (or anything else for that matter) and mostly I don’t care what gender someone is or isn’t just as long as they are not a complete arsehole all is good.  Everything is changing really fast nowadays but  I do try to get my head around it and sometimes I fail.  With that in mind many apologies for any offence with terminology or whatever as it is not intended, these are just my thoughts as they popped into my head whilst watching this video. The thing is the people in this video are people who I would consider should be experts or at least tried to educate themselves past some of the statements that came out during the broadcast.

If people are allowed to choose their own gender it is the same thing as you saying that chair is a giraffe and me not being allowed to contest it.

No, no it really is not. This was a ‘serious feminist argument’ apparently, I don’t even know how to answer this it is just so facile.

If people can self identify (their gender) they will change their gender all the time when it suits ie, men will abuse this to get into women only spaces.

No, no they really won’t. Why would any man who enjoys all the privileges of being a man that this society has to offer want to say they are a woman so they can…what, exactly? Go to a red tent meeting or join the WI? Get real, seriously.

They call it gender, I call it sex.

This from someone who I know was an active and vocal member of the feminist movement back in the ’70s when the whole idea that gender was not determined by biological sex was first being put forward so this came across to me as a pretty disingenuous argument. Surely, we need to stop using the words interchangeably and start calling things what they actually are.

This will allow men to dress as women and get into women’s refuges, rape centres and the like.

And? Again this comes across as if a trans woman is nothing more than a ‘man in a frock’. Maybe they are genuinely confused about the difference between transgender and transvestite. I really doubt this. I also doubt that they have never once seen a male gynaecologist or had a male doctor deal with their ‘ladies problems’. No suggestion of where these women should go if they need to see someone in a rape clinic, need a refuge, or are simply looking for a job for which they happen to be qualified. There are plenty of trans women out there in these spaces, you probably just don’t notice.

Men will dress as women and pretend to be transgendered so they can get in our toilets and either a) rape us or b) get off on listening to us pee.

This was not in the video but I’ve heard this over and over again.  You know what?  A male can hide in a toilet or just about anywhere and rape you.  It isn’t likely to happen in a pub toilet.  You are actually more likely to get raped in your own home or by a male relative or friend that you know and trust. Plus, you know, transgendered women are actually women. Has there even ever been a case of a transwoman raping another woman?   I’d love to know. I’d hazard not because we would certainly have heard about it by now.

And if men want to get off on listening to you pee they have found a multitude of ways to do it up to and including planting cameras in public toilets. I think to go through the whole rigmarole of living and identifying as a woman for years on end, might be taking it a bit far just for a thrill that might last 2 minutes until we get wind of it and kick the holy crap out of them. Also, how many women might be sitting there listening to you pee? Best not take a piss at all.

These women are not real women, they have got to adulthood experiencing all the privilege of being a male and we have experienced a whole lifetime of oppression.  .

OK, first off, no they have not had a lifetimes experience of being born female but then I haven’t had a lifetime of experience of being born into a male body and feeling like a woman. I can, however, experience some sort of empathy by putting myself in their shoes. I cannot understand why some so-called ‘feminists’ are taking such a hard line on this. How hard is it to show some empathy and understanding?

Feminism is about ending sexual discrimination based on biological sex but also inequalities based on gender. We know we often get the shitty end of the stick as women who were born female, imagine then the double whammy you’d get as a trans woman and show some bloody empathy and – better still – some solidarity.

Let’s just stand together.  An injury to one is an injury to all.

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The Myth of Choice

By on February 3, 2018
Formula 1 choice

Thoughts on the F1 Grid Girls/Darts Girls

aka Save us from the Born-Again ‘Male Feminists’

Essential to the race?

For the record, I’m not bothered either way about the removal of F1 grid girls or any other women carrying signs at sporting events. I personally believe this is a ridiculous practice and does nothing to add to the sports which these days a lot of women also follow as fans.

What is gripping my turd this morning is the number of mainly (but not exclusively) men who mostly give not a jot about real equality banging on about choices for women as if lugging a sign around is actually the height of female achievement.  They are puffing out their chests and acting like they are some kind of born-again feminists (BAMF) while at the same time condemning  feminists of the actual female variety as being rabid and removing women’s choices, males who have consistently supported equality and have been vocal in support of this particular development are ‘pussies’ and so it is essential that they – the born-again male feminists (BAMF)  –  stand in defence of female autonomy. Obviously, if they get to gawp at some tits and ass that’s a bonus.

So suddenly we have all these male voices being raised in support of women’s choices and how all these terrible feminists (and pussy-males) are just ruining life for these women. One chap got quite upset when I suggested tongue-in-cheek that F1 keep the grid girls, added a few well oiled ‘grid boys’ and equalled it up that way. Apparently, there are already men in F1 who are called ‘drivers’. But being a girly I obviously didn’t know that.

It seems that the BAMF viewpoint does not extend to any of these women having wit enough to find another job. Or perhaps that F1 should maybe relocate them into other jobs within the industry. It is also worth noting that this particular choice is determined not by women but by the men in the industry that employ them – ‘the choice’ that these women have will vanish as soon as they no longer fulfil the essential criteria – youth and beauty – when they hit a certain age, or put on a couple of pounds they will be out the door. No one raises an uproar about these women losing their jobs then, oh no.  I mean no one wants to look at a chipped vase…

Maybe all these guys who are suddenly strutting around flexing their BAMF credentials in support of using women as objects to promote motor racing (or darts) should use this as an opportunity to push F1 to reassess what part women actually play in that particular sport. How many women racing drivers are there? What is the proportion of female mechanics? All these men who are suddenly so concerned about women’s right to choose to strut around holding a sign are remarkably silent about our right to choose to enter into traditionally ‘male’ careers or examining why women are so poorly represented within them.

Within a society where gender barriers still exist, how many women would even consider that to be an option that is open to them, or be able to find out how to go about breaking into F1? I know there are plenty of women racing drivers and mechanics out there – how many have managed to get through the glass ceiling into the male bastion of F1 racing?  Do the BAMFs mention any of this?  Nope.  They have raised their voices loud – but only to browbeat any woman (or man) who sticks their head over the parapet to question if we really do actually need this as part of a sporting event in 2018.

This is not about women’s choice, it is about an industry who is intent on utilising power relationships within society to turn a profit. As a friend of mine (a man) said, ‘F1 is basically Nuts Magazine come to life, it’s not really aimed at women, they are just there to act as a bit of décor’.

Some men see this as an attack on them, on their rights to look at women.  And yes, women are lovely to look at.  But time and place.  This is not about individuals looking at attractive, well proportioned young women or men, it is more to do with reducing women to a decorative function at male-dominated events perpetuating unequal gender relationships within society.  No matter how much you dress this up as a choice, this does not promote equality no matter how loudly you shout.

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Life | Relationships

When A Narcissist Threatens to Self Destruct

By on January 29, 2018

The Narcissist, Suicide and Manipulative Control

This is a blog about suicide, or more specifically, people who threaten suicide in order to get what they want. Now suicide is not a trivial matter – if someone is obviously distressed and talking about killing themselves one is quite correct to be concerned and try to get the relevant help for that person.  If this is you or someone you know, get help, do it now! Genuinely mentally ill people will talk about killing themselves, it is a commonly held misconception that most of those people who threaten it won’t go on to do it, in actual fact most people who commit suicide have mentioned it more than once before doing so.   That is what makes the use of suicide threats in order to control others or to gain their sympathy even more abhorrent.

I have lost count of the number of people who have come to me in the course of my life wanting to leave a relationship only to have that person threaten to top themselves.  Now, I’ve been on the receiving end of that myself so I know it is really unpleasant and as much as you may try to rationalise it out, you still think, ‘what if’? And wonder if you would have blood on your hands.  I actually had someone stand at the edge of a cliff once and threaten to jump off.  I left him there.  He didn’t jump.  After this all further threats failed, I  mean, I knew he wasn’t going to do it.  Why kill yourself if you won’t be around to gain the benefits of manipulating and controlling the other person? And even better, get what you want, play the victim and get lots of sympathy from those around you.

Social media platforms like Facebook and Twitter are great places to watch people and I am an avid people watcher, I also love to figure out what is motivating others (I even turn that insight on myself occasionally too, although some would say not often enough!)  If someone threatens suicide on social media there will be a huge flurry of attention.  The problem is that people only ever see what is in front of them and they don’t really look for trends.  This is a real boon to someone intent on manipulating others and on appearing to be a victim.  And they do it over and over again.

I have literally had people on my social media feed who threaten suicide on an almost bi-monthly basis, and always because someone has given them a boo-boo on their feelings by not doing what they want them to do.  This is particularly the case with interpersonal relationships, where one person kicks over the traces and then gets pissed off because the other person finally has enough – cue whining about how hard done by they are and threats of suicide.  And then all the usual people chip in with what a wonderful person they are,  how they deserve so much better, and what a complete cunt the person who has upset them really is.  Even if the object has distanced themselves, they will use any means possible to get the news through that they *really are* going to do it this time.

So what did I do?

Initially, I took the suicide threats seriously.  I took the person to get help.  He got help.

The suicide threats continued, so I looked for a trend.  Sure enough, when I tried to break free, the old suicide was back on the cards.  So eventually I stopped responding.  I gave him the number for the Samaritans every time he did it.  When I stopped responding, he stopped doing it.  Obviously, he could have topped himself and harsh as it sounds ultimately that was his choice, and there was little I could really do to stop that.  Frankly,  from their viewpoint, there really is no point of not being there to see your attempts to manipulate and control pay off.    I honestly believe that most of these manipulative dickheads are far too full of themselves and far too selfish to put themselves out of our misery.

So I look at these repetitive, ‘oh, someone has been mean so I may as well kill myself’ posts and fight the urge to ask if they want a knife, a rope or some arsenic.  But that’s because I am a bad person and probably a narcissist’s worse nightmare.


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I’ve Lost The Ability to Say “F*CK IT”!

By on January 27, 2018

Or, When did I get so gutless?

Now I know that last year, 2017, I was completely spoiled by the epic amount of world travelling I was fortunate enough to do.  I know am blessed in so many ways right down to the geographical location of my birth and my race (if not my gender!).  This alone opened many doors that would otherwise have been closed to me.  I have too many blessing to even list.  I am the first to admit that this particular blog post is pretty much a white, middle-aged, middle-class moan about “first world problems”. Frankly, most of the population of the planet has more pressing matters to attend to.

To my husband and friends who read this – no this is not about you!  Essentially it is about wondering why I’ve become totally gutless in my approach to life.

I suppose this is partly the menopause which – it is said – encourages one to sift through all your mental garbage bags.  As part of that process, I suddenly realised that most of my adult life, if not all of it, I have always done what needed to be done.  I have always taken on responsibility for meeting the needs of daily life for myself and others around me.  Oftentimes this means not being able to follow my own dreams but on the plus side, it means others can follow theirs by default.

I think that facilitating others is a laudable and generally very good thing.  If you are currently doing this, well done.  If you are currently being facilitated by someone else, well done.  Be sure to show your appreciation.  I am all for people following dreams, picking and choosing what they want to do.  I’d just like to have a fair crack of the whip myself.

I know that part of this is watching people walk away from various hideous aspects of their lives – be that a relationship or a dead end job –  and then looking and feeling so much better for it.  I can’t help thinking that I can only get out of this stagnant rut by leaping, creating a vacuum and letting that get filled.  Maybe I need a kick up the arse, some real motivation to change my daily existence.

Maybe my desire to just say, ‘fuck it’, hop in my van and only come back when others have sorted out the fall out would actually pan out OK.




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