Top 5 Ways to Fuck Up Christmas for Your Family
For many years I adored Christmas (see my earlier post), then after I got married and had my eldest child it all went belly up. Baby’s first Christmas was fabulous, but that was really the last positive experience I had of the season for the next 15 years or so.
Essentially I lived with someone who not only hated Christmas with a passion and refused to let me indulge my own enjoyment but was so anti the whole thing that I began to hate it too. As our family grew so did the angst and the extent of his mean-spiritedness. I could probably fill a book with hideous stories about awful Christmases past, in fact, I may well do one day, but I’d like to at least make it amusing.
#1: The ‘Ills’
Always ensure that you refuse to engage in anything remotely to do with Christmas until about a week before, refuse to let anyone else plan ahead either, then take to your bed with ‘the ills’. This can be essentially anything – headache, sore throats or, my particular favourite – a boil that has probably given you blood poisoning. In this way, you can avoid doing anything at all. Your significant other can instead run themselves ragged putting up decorations, buying food, wrapping presents and doing the 101 other things to make the kids happy at Christmas and hold down a full-time job and you can swoon in your boudoir. Result!
If you are really clever you can avoid any kind of disaster in this way throughout the year. Those who hit Mage Level ultimately work out ways of combining the 2. An outline of the sort of epic skill you can develop: When a pipe bursts 2 days before Christmas, necessitating the removal of furniture, carpets and men with pickaxes digging up your dining room, just take to your bed with a bone in your big toe or some such. When you get up it’s all sorted.
If people complain offer to cook Christmas dinner and then demand sex. Good times!
#2: Spend all the cash ahead of time
No point letting that money sit in the bank waiting to fund gifts for your children – instead why not spend it on crap from the local charity shops, another bag perhaps to go with the extensive collection you have amassed, or maybe some porn. Don’t let your partner waste it making other people happy when you could just make yourself happy!
Better still insist that your partner spends the money her parents gave her for Christmas to buy gifts for everyone else. That way no one loses out, especially not you.
Whatever you do ensure your mother-in-law gives you a supermarket gift card 2 weeks before Christmas, you can use this to buy all the food that you like and quibble about all the chocolate and snacks the kids want and what a waste of money it all is.
If people get upset, it is because they are mad, just sulk and demand sex. Job done.
#3: Become a Santa Claus Denier
No point letting children enjoy Santa be sure to announce with a suitable amount of malevolence that actually Santa is made up. And remember, it is for their own good, we can’t be going around living in a delusion even if we are only 4 years old.
Anyone who can’t see the veracity of this is deranged.
#4: Just don’t show up
A good way of really fucking up Christmas is to simply refuse to get up and participate (see, #1). However, you can insist your partner videos it for you so you can watch it later when you feel well enough to cope with the horror of your children opening their gifts. If you want to go that extra mile – move on to #5.
#5: Bring out your inner Hitchcock
This is a Christmas shafting technique that has been developed for those who really want to go that extra mile when screwing up the day for all those around them. Simply set up a video camera and force people to open their gifts in a set rotational manner, in a specific location and to ensure that they remain in the shot. You may need to really channel a Sargeant Major for this one but it is so worth it to add that extra dose of misery. If they don’t comply you can then justifiably get annoyed and go back to bed. Thus you can not only avoid the festivities but completely sour it for everyone else. Nothing says Christmas cheer like being forced to open your presents at gunpoint.
So these are my top 5 tips for your very own Narcissistic Christmas Celebrations. Enjoy!